


Dust to Dust

by sassy_dae



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: After endgame, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, MCU AU, One Shot, Post-Snap Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21781768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassy_dae/pseuds/sassy_dae
Summary: Marvel Cinematic Universe CrossoverFive years after the “snap”, Seunghyun and Daesung live a somewhat peaceful life—having learned to live with their survivors guilt and move on, they find love in a devastated world.But what happens when everyone returns, including BigBang’s leader and Seunghyun’s long time boyfriend, Jiyong?
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kang Daesung, Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Dust to Dust

**Author's Note:**

> This is a MCU AU--it takes place at the end of Avengers: Endgame, after the Avengers reverse Thanos' "snap" from Avengers: Infinity Wars. The Avengers aren't mentioned at all, it's more of a look at our boys in BigBang, if the "snap" had really happened, and the consequences of reversing such a thing.
> 
> It was partly a thought experiment, partly my need for some TODae content.

Seunghyun yawns and rubs his eyes as he follows the smell of coffee from his bedroom to the kitchen. The sun has been up for some time, filling the various rooms of his condo with warm light on a cold winter day. He smiles and mentally greets each and every single one of his paintings, stopping to look at his latest one for just a few seconds longer. The sound of the faucet turning on in the kitchen reminds him of his original mission: _to get coffee into his body_. He shuffles towards the big island where a steaming cup awaits him. He lifts it to his lips, knowing already that it will be just cool enough for him to sip. He hums appreciatively at the taste.

“Mmmm, you always know how to make it just right,” his deep voices mumbles into the steaming mug, taking one more sip before turning to the man standing at the sink. Daesung shuts the water and towels his hands dry before turning, picking up his own hot cup of tea to sip. He smiles brightly at Seunghyun, the morning light reflecting off his brown hair like a halo.

“I would hope so. I’ve only been making you coffee every morning for the past three years,” Daesung chuckles as he moves to sit at the counter, picking up the morning paper. Seunghyun leans over and kisses Daesung lightly, both a _good morning_ and a _thank you_ , before going back to his coffee.

They sit in comfortable silence, each enjoying their warm drinks and the oddly sunny weather. Seunghyun reaches over and begins playing with Daesung’s fingers, needing something to play with as he watches a flock of birds fly past the window. Daesung lets him, humming one of their new songs they had just recorded recently. They’ve been preparing for their new album for the last month, writing songs together and meeting with producers. Seunghyun feels a mixture of excitement and apprehension towards their project. It’s the first time they’ll release new music in the last five years. It almost feels too soon after the _snap,_ but they hope to bring some comfort to those who are left. Many of the songs are in remembrance of their lost members and loved ones—a celebration of their lives. _The Vanished_ —family, friends, fans, half of the world’s population—they may be gone, but they aren’t forgotten. They’ve chosen to honor them through their music, to express their love for them in the most pure way they know. And in the end, that’s all they can really do. They can’t change what happened. And Seunghyun can’t go back to living how he was—first in denial, then in deep depression fueled by alcoholism and survivor’s guilt. It's only taken him this long to realize how lucky he is still be here, and he should squander such a gift. 

“What are you thinking about so seriously?” Daesung asks, putting down his empty tea cup, squeezing Seunghyun’s hand. His lips quirk, watching as Seunghyun startles out of his little thought bubble. Daesung admits that he enjoys watching thoughts float their Seunghyun’s mind, his expression changing ever so slightly from soft smiles to slight frowns, back to shining eyes and contentment. Sometimes Seunghyun will pout so intensely that Daesung thinks Seunghyun might cry (which isn’t uncommon nowadays; years have made him even more emotional and sentimental than usual). Seunghyun wears his emotions on his face, no matter how random they may seem. And Daesung has grown to love every single one of them.

Seunghyun’s eyes meet Daesung, and they stare at each other for a few seconds before Seunghyun abandons his coffee to stand by him. “I was thinking,” he says, voice deep and gravelly, “that I must be the luckiest guy, having such a sexy man make me coffee every morning.” Daesung turns in his chair, back against the counter as he opens his arms, instinctively inviting Seunghyun into his embrace. He slides in effortlessly, wrapping his arms around Daesung’s shoulders as he feels strong hands settle on his waist, thumbs rubbing small circles on his sides. Seunghyun smiles, dimples deep and eyes scrunching just a little, as he traces the lines of Daesung’s face, committing every feature to memory.

“You’re hopeless,” Daesung chuckles softly. Seunghyun’s heart bursts at the sound of Daesung’s laugh, and he suddenly has the urge to claim it as his. He leans in, capturing Daesung’s luscious lips in his, tasting the remnants of his green tea. Daesung moves his hands behind Seunghyun’s back, pulling him closer as Seunghyun towers over him, pressing their chests flush. Seunghyun’s heart flutters as he inhales Daesung’s smell— citrus and warm, clean—a hint of peach from his body wash, the bold smell of green tea. He holds Daesung’s face in his hands, feeling the round, big cheeks he loves to kiss right before going to sleep. Daesung hums into the kiss, licking the last taste of Seunghyun’s coffee from his lips. It’s one of those kisses that he loves—slow, languid, and heart pounding. It feels like at any moment Seunghyun might suck all the air out of lungs, yet so slow that it might last forever.

Seunghyun gives Daesung’s swollen lips one last kiss before pulling back, nuzzling their noses along the way. Seunghyun feels Daesung’s cheeks bunch up under his hands as he chuckles. “Is that my good morning kiss?” he teases, running his hands under Seunghyun’s pajama top, skin warm to the touch. Seunghyun growls in response, lightly nipping Daesung’s lips before looking at him again, watching him intently. Daesung doesn’t say anything, simply enjoying the moment. He notices the lines that weren’t there years ago when they met as trainees, nor even five years ago. The lines are fine and barely noticeable, but Daesung has studied his face for years, and in the more recent has learned to read them with precision. He knows Seunghyun is being a bit nostalgic at the moment—a little wistful. He’s in a good mood, even if he’s a little quiet. And Daesung is grateful they can have mornings like this. Daesung grins up at Seunghyun, the smile bright and warm, encouraging. It’s the kind of smile that still, all these years later, still makes Seunghyun burst into his own smile. It’s infectious and precious. It heals, and Seunghyun is again reminded of how much he owes to Daesung—his sanity, his happiness, his own life.

_Does he really have any right to be his happy? This lucky?_

As if reading his mind, Daesung gives a little nod before leaning in again, kissing him more fervently than before. He pulls Seunghyun onto his lap, Seunghyun’s long legs hanging on either side of Daesung’s strong thighs. Wrapping their arms around each other, they melt and mold until it becomes difficult to tell where one begins and ends. Seunghyun moans into Daesung’s mouth as Daesung squeezes his behind, urging him on. Daesung moves his mouth down Seunghyun’s long neck, sucking at his pulse point, tasting the sweat that has begun to pool.

“Daesung-ah,” Seunghyun breathes, closing his eyes as he moves his head back to give Daesung better access. Daesung nibbles for a little longer before pulling back and giving Seunghyun a wicked smile.

“What do you want, Seunghyun?” he asks through labored breaths.

“Yeah, Seunghyun. What do _you_ want?” a cold, angry voice says from behind them.

Daesung and Seunghyun freeze, their eyes wide and their hearts leaping out of their chests. Daesung grips Seunghyun like a lifeline. He looks over towards the direction of the voice, hoping he’s hallucinating, then instantly feeling guilty for having such a thought. His eyes open wide in surprise, then in confusion. _It can’t be._

Seunghyun watches Daesung closely, not missing the fear in his eyes and the tremble in his grip as it tightens. He’s suddenly afraid of what he might see. He spent years fighting off the ghosts of the past, and now it seems like they aren’t ghosts at all. He turns his head slowly, following Daesung’s gaze and comes face to face with Jiyong.

Jiyong—the leader of their group, his childhood friend and long-term boyfriend.

Jiyong, whom Seunghyun watched turn to dust and disappear in front of his eyes along with half of the world’s population five years ago.

“What the fuck is going on, Seunghyun?”

_What the fuck, indeed._

—————————

Daesung quickly closes the door behind him before sliding down to the floor. He runs a shaking hand through his hair as he tries to figure out what exactly he is feeling. He suddenly can’t control the smile that spreads across his face as he lifts his head towards the heavens. The sudden appearance of Jiyong is shocking to say the least, but surely it means that everyone else he lost must have returned as well—including his family. He needs to go see if his parents are alright, or maybe call his brother-in-law to see how his sister and nephews are fairing. He’ll have to remember to call Hyorin too—Youngbae could be back!

_How is this even possible?!_

He chuckles to himself, shaking his head as he stands to collect some clothing. He’ll have to check up on his house (which he thankfully kept)—clean it out, buy some food, prepare for his family’s sudden homecoming. How exciting it will be to have everyone gather again. He has so much to tell them—how much the world has changed, about him and Seunghyun— Daesung pauses at the closet door, peering in at the vast amounts of clothing lining the walls. Seunghyun had convinced him that they didn’t need separate sides of the closet. Shirts, jackets, bags, accessories—everything they own, they shared. Daesung slowly pulls down the duffle bag they had bought together last fall, letting it fall to the floor with a thud. _For our future weekend trips to Jeju_ , Seunghyun had said with a shy smile.

The giddiness in Daesung’s chest begins to dissolve slowly as an ugly knot forms in the pit of his stomach, his excitement devolving into confusion and pain. He wants to tell his family about Seunghyun—but will there be anything to say? He thinks back to how happy he was just that morning in Seunghyun’s arms, and how that happiness exists only because Jiyong had turned to ashes five years go. Pain and loss had brought Seunghyun and Daesung together. They rebuilt themselves in this shadowed version of their previous world. And they had found happiness. But now when all is no longer lost, does that erase what they have now? Do they wipe away the last five years and go back to how things were before? Is he entitled to that happiness, when it wasn’t his to begin with?

He fights back tears as he begins to tear down shirts from their hangers, carelessly tossing them into the duffle bag. He tells himself to breath—to try and look on the bright side. There is always a silver lining, a blessing in disguise. _I_ _sn’t there?_ He may lose Seunghyun, but he has gained so many others back—fans, band members, friends, his family.

He should be happy; he should be _grateful_. So why does he feel so utterly heartbroken and lost?

—————————-

Seunghyun watches Daesung glide out of the bedroom, his eyes looking red but Seunghyun doesn’t mention it. Daesung stops in front of Seunghyun, wringing the strap of the bag in his hands. Looking over at the couch, Jiyong sleeps soundlessly. He would want to sleep too, Daesung thinks, if had just learned that he turned to dust in the blink of an eye, to then come back into existence for some unknown reason five years later. He took the news rather well, all things considered; he only needed a repeated explanation about three times in the last two hours.

“Think he’ll be ok?” he whispers, thinking of how he’ll have the same conversation with his family soon enough. Seunghyun looks down at the man in his lap. He smiles a little, running his hands through Jiyong’s hair. Daesung looks away from the overly loving gesture.

“I think he’ll be alright. It’s just a lot to take in, you know? Fuck, _I’m_ not even sure I fully understand what’s going on,” Seunghyun chuckles softly. He looks over at Daesung again, catching the concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?”

“Seunghyun,” Daesung starts tentatively, worrying his lip. “What’s going to happen now?”

Seunghyun raises an eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“I mean—Us. What’s going to happen to us?” Daesung says barely above a whisper. When Jiyong shifts in his sleep, Daesung steps back slightly, feeling the urge to runaway. Seunghyun stares at him unblinking for a few moments before he looking away sadly. So, the thought _has_ crossed his mind, Daesung thinks.

“I…I don’t know,” Seunghyun says seriously, giving him a piercing look. They stare at each other, the seconds building and suffocating. It’s too much, and Daesung isn’t sure he can just stand there any longer. He clears his throat as he looks away, adjusting his bag.

“Well I—I’ll be going home for a few days—“

“Home? But—” Seunghyun starts but Daesung shakes his head.

“No, it’s not—I mean, I was just thinking that if Jiyong has come back then my parents—my family, should be back too. I should go home—my _old_ home, to check up on them.”

Seunghyun’s eyes open wide. He had been so preoccupied with Jiyong, he didn’t think that maybe others had come back too. “No, of course. You should go take care of your family." He knows how much Daesung has missed his parents and sister. He hopes for Daesung’s sake that they are alive and healthy, just like Jiyong.

“I’ll be gone for a few days, maybe a week. You and Jiyong should have plenty of time to catch up,” Daesung says as he looks at his feet, shuffling in place.

“Daesung—” Seunghyun starts but is interrupted as Daesung leans down quickly to kiss him. The kiss is deep, urgent. It lingers a second longer than normal, before Daesung pulls away. He smiles a little sadly at Seunghyun, and it makes Seunghyun’s heart ache.

“We’ll both have our hands full, and I think we could use the time apart to think. We can talk about it when I get back,” Daesung says, looking down at Jiyong’s sleeping form. He places one last kiss on Seunghyun’s lips—light and soft. Seunghyun can’t fight off the feeling that it feels like a _goodbye_. “I love you," Daesung whispers before making his way to the door. Seunghyun turns his head, watching as Daesung slips out silently into the cold afternoon. He sighs, turning back to running his fingers through Jiyong’s hair, the afternoon light catching on the ring on his finger.

———

Jiyong wakes up, groggy and disoriented as he tries to untangle himself from the blanket draped over him. He looks around, noticing it’s dark out. He rubs the sleep from his eyes, trying to remember where he is and how he got here. _Concerned stares, shouts of confusion quickly turning to joyous laughter. Daesung hugging him tightly, Seunghyun crying. Confusing conversations about turning to dust and back again. Five years passing—_ Jiyong groans, clutching his head as he shakes it violently. _T_ _hat’s right, I’m back from the fucking dead_ , he reminds himself.

He turns his head to see Seunghyun placing a glass of water on the table before sitting next to him. Jiyong looks around Seunghyun’s condo a bit overwhelmed. He tries to find something that will anchor him, a point of reference he can use to convince himself it was all a dream. But as he takes in his surroundings, he begins to realize that everything is different. There are new paintings on the walls and the chair collection is rearranged differently. Seunghyun’s prized wine display is nowhere in sight, replaced by a rather large LEGO display of the Death Star. And this couch he’s sitting on, it’s new even though it feels worn in. Jiyong swears the couch used to be leather and not suede. He rubs his hands together, breathing deeply. Everything seems to be telling him that it’s not a dream. He looks down at his hands, examining them to see if they are real. They said he (and Youngbae and billions of others in the world) turned to dust, but he feels normal, solid. When he turns to Seunghyun he notices the signs of time having passed. His hair is black again instead of pink, and it’s long enough he can tuck it behind his ear. His face is fuller and his eyes less tired, though lines crinkle at the edges a little more than he remembers. Has it really been _five years_?

“Feeling better?” Seunghyun says gently, watching Jiyong anxiously. He still can’t believe that Jiyong is sitting in front of him. He can’t believe he’s alive. To Seunghyun it feels like a lifetime ago that they were sitting in this living room in very similar positions. And yet Jiyong looks exactly the same as that terrible day—face round, hair green, beanie pulled down low on his head. His nail polish is still chipped from him nervous picking. That determined glint in his eyes sparkles behind his confusion. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jiyong says simply, taking a big sip of the water offered. “I just—I woke up and I thought maybe it was all a dream. But…What you said, it really happened, didn’t it?” He furrows his brow, deep in thought again.

“What’s the last thing you remember happening before you saw—before this morning?” Seunghyun asks carefully.

Jiyong sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I was sitting here, drinking wine. We were talking about your enlistment and I—I felt light headed all of the sudden, like I might faint. Then nothing.” Jiyong removes his beanie, ruffling his hair vigorously. “Then I was just here. I thought I might have simply passed out. I don’t feel any different, and I don’t remember turning into— becoming… _vanishing_.”

A heavy silence settles over them. Jiyong plays with the clip on his beanie, frowning. “Did you really watch me disappear?” he asks faintly. Seunghyun nods his head. It’s a day that’s haunted him for years. He could never forget it; he tried. “I’m sorry, it must have been awful,” Jiyong says softly.

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just relieved that you didn’t feel any pain,” Seunghyun says, reaching out and pulling Jiyong into a tight hug. It feels so warm, so familiar—like an old, favorite sweater you’ve worn too many times. He breathes in Jiyong’s scent, a mixture of stale smoke and sweet tea. He pulls back, kissing Jiyong’s forehead before gently resting his own forehead there, fighting back tears. “I’m happy that you’re back, Jiyong. I’ve missed you _so much_.”

“Are you though? You seemed pretty fucking happy sucking Daesung’s face earlier,” Jiyong says a little harsher than he intends as he pulls away, frowning. Five years may have passed, but the pain of seeing his boyfriend practically fucking his friend and band member is still fresh. “You seemed to have moved on _just fine_.”

Seunghyun looks away briefly, watching as the Seoul skyline comes to life. He wonders how many people are currently finding out that their loved ones are back; how happy they must all be. Seunghyun has his best friend and boyfriend back; it was all he had wanted for so long. And now that he’s here, he’s happy—but he’s also so unsure. “It’s not like that,” Seunghyun says, settling back against the couch, reaching out and intertwining their fingers. It feels right—their matching slender fingers conforming to each other. A memory of this morning—tan strong fingers tangled in his—flashes through his mind. His heart lurches into his throat.

“Then what’s it like?” Jiyong counters, challenging Seunghyun. It was like Jiyong to challenge him—it made him a better person, but it also wore him down.

“I love you, Jiyong. I always have, and I always will. There was no way I could ever replace you.” Seunghyun cups Jiyong’s face so he can’t look away. Jiyong stares straight through him, his eyes searching. Seunghyun swallows, rubbing his thumb over Jiyong’s sharp cheek. “I missed you everyday you were gone.”

Jiyong smiles at him, reaching up both his hands to mirror Seunghyun. “Well, I’m here now. No need to miss me anymore. We can catch up on all the time we’ve lost,” he says coyly. He leans in, capturing Seunghyun lips in his. He savors it for a second before Seunghyun pulls away, hands pushing against him.

“Jiyong,” Seunghyun sighs, shaking his head. “Please, don’t—“

“Don’t _what_? Kiss my own _boyfriend_?” Jiyong raises an eyebrow, questioning him. “You said it wasn’t like that between you and Daesung,” he challenges.

“It’s complicated—"

“No, it’s _not_. You’re my _boyfriend_ , are you or aren’t you?” Jiyong asks exasperated.

Seunghyun bites his lip and unconsciously twists the ring around his finger. Jiyong’s eyes don’t miss it, grabbing onto his hand and pulling it towards him.

“Are you _fucking serious_ ?” Jiyong spits out. “You’re—you’re _married_ ? To _Daesung_?” Jiyong moves to stand by the floor to ceiling windows. He leans against the glass, feeling the winter cold against his forehead. “This is fucking ridiculous,” he mumbles.

Seunghyun clasps his hands as if in prayer, willing himself some patience. “Ji, listen—“

“No! I can’t believe you’d _marry_ him when you refused to even go out on _dates_ with me. You didn’t even want to be seen out in public with me! But now—now you are _fucking flaunting it_. To _everyone._ ”

“It’s not like you _wanted_ to marry me!” Seunghyun retorts, unable to hold back. “And you know _very well_ why I never went out with you. Can you imagine the shit storm that would have surrounded us? It would have ruined us.” Seunghyun clenches his fist, suddenly feeling deja vu. Haven’t they had this argument a thousand times before? Weren’t they having this exact discussion when Jiyong disappeared? “I wanted to be with you— _really_ be with you. But your image, your _brand_ was always more important than our relationship. Everything always had to be on your terms—some days were boyfriends, other days just band members. That was fine when we were younger—but we were getting older. I was about to enlist. I was sad and scared and I wanted that commitment—I wanted _forever_ with you, but you were hesitating. We had been together for years; _what were you waiting for_?” Seunghyun sighs deeply, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

“And so you just decided to jump into Daesung’s bed the moment I was gone? Did he live up to your marital fantasy the way I couldn’t?” Jiyong asks bitterly, but his voice betrays him as it cracks. 

When Seunghyun moves to stand next to Jiyong and hold his hand, Jiyong doesn’t resist. Seunghyun watches as tears build in the corner of Jiyong eyes, his frown etched deep into his forehead. He squeezes their hands together, hoping that he can get his feelings across to him. “No matter the problems we were having back then, I never wanted to lose you, I still don’t. I love you, Ji. I always have, and I always will. But I—I also love Daesung,” Seunghyun takes a shuddering breath, trying to collect himself. “You were my first real love, maybe even my soulmate. So you have to understand, when you vanished I was a fucking mess, and if weren’t for Daesung I’d probably be— I wouldn’t be standing here today.”

A pregnant silence grows between them, the implication clear. Jiyong turns to Seunghyun with big eyes, his vision blurred by unshed tears. Seunghyun kisses his cheek, comforting him.

“I don’t have one clear memory of the year after the—the _snap_. I was constantly drinking myself into a ditch somewhere. Daesung would come find me and fix me up every single time. And even after I drank myself into a week long coma, it still took me a while to realize that I wasn’t the only one to lose people. I may have lost you, but Daesung lost you too, along with Youngbae, his parents, his sister and nephews, all his Japanese friends. He lost _more_ people than I did. For fuck’s sake, half of the world had vanished in a matter of seconds, and I was acting like I was the only one to lose someone. There were kids who lost both parents, parents lost children, whole families wiped out in an instant.” Seunghyun swallows the lump in his throat, trying to center himself. It was pure chaos back then—finding out who was still alive and who was gone, governments falling into disarray as they tried to get a grip of what was happening. It’s difficult reliving those dark days, but he has to get it out. Jiyong squeezes Seunghyun’s hand encouragingly, urging him to continue.

“It was terrible, Jiyong. I was so lost, feeling guilty for something I had no control over. The only reason I’m still here today is because of Daesung. He took care of me when I wouldn’t— _couldn’t_ take care of myself,” Seunghyun says, a small smile on his lips. “He’s my angel.”

“He _has_ always taken care of his hyungs,” Jiyong sighs, chewing on his lip.

“He was the only ray of light in my life in the past five years. He helped me clean up my act, showed me how to enjoy and cherish the small things, even got me writing songs again. He changed my whole perspective on life,” Seunghyun sighs heavily. “A day never went by where I didn’t think of you, where I didn’t feel guilty for being the one that survived just by pure chance. But I had to live my life for myself and for all the people that had vanished, and I couldn’t have done it without Daesung beside me. So _please_ , try to understand. I can’t just—”

Jiyong stops him with a finger to his lips. Tears fall freely from his eyes as he weighs Seunghyun’s words in his heart. He reaches up, caressing Seunghyun’s strong cheeks, sweeping his long hair out of eyes. Seunghyun’s intense gaze looks down on him a little sadly, and Jiyong can’t stand it. He pushes up on his toes, kissing Seunghyun fiercely, putting everything into it. He pulls back after a minute, burying himself in Seunghyun’s chest. Seunghyun kisses the top of Jiyong’s head, enveloping him in his arms. He holds Jiyong close, burying his face in his neck as Jiyong clings to Seunghyun like a lifeline.

“I’m grateful Daesung took care of you, I really am. But I’m here now. I’m _here_ , and I’m ready to stand by your side and take care of you. Please, Seunghyun, give me that chance,” Jiyong says into Seunghyun’s chest. “I love you, Choi Seunghyun.”

“I love you too, Kwon Jiyong,” Seunghyun says, tears slipping down into Jiyong’s hair.

————————-

When Seunghyun wakes up the next morning, he snuggles up against the body next to him. He loves these kinds of mornings; it’s rare for him to wake up first. Maybe he’ll actually get out of bed and make some tea for them. Or, he could just stay in bed and fall back asleep, nestled up against his loved one. He smiles, resolving himself as he kisses the top of the head next to him. He breathes deeply to get that sweet smell of _green tea_ and _peaches_ —

He pulls back suddenly, the smell of stale cigarette smoke wafting in his nose. He pulls back the covers slightly, coming face to face with a mound of lime green hair instead of the familiar chocolate brown. Seunghyun frowns, confused for a moment before rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes. Sighing, he quietly get out of bed to get a glass of water.

As he heads towards the kitchen, he sees Daesung’s tea mug still sitting in the sink, unwashed. He picks it up, smelling the familiar scent. It instantly calms him, and he realizes with a heavy heart that even though he’s happy to have Jiyong back, he _really_ misses Daesung.

_What the fuck is he going to do?_

————————-

Daesung walks out of the elevator, dragging his feet towards his front door. He’s exhausted, so bone-deep tired that all he wants to do is fall into his own bed and sleep for a couple of days straight. Seeing his family again was an emotional roller coaster of happy tears and deep, long conversations of things never said. He has lived his whole life closed off—compartmentalizing his feelings and thoughts, never wanting to burden others with his worries. But the last five years taught him that holding back, stealing himself away from being vulnerable only isolated him. He never embraced others if he was always putting up walls to protect himself. And so he spent long hours embracing his family—physically and emotionally. Explaining to them what had happened five years ago and in the years since was harrowing. But being able to sit with them and have a meal, to just talk and laugh—he feels beyond blessed. He never imagined he would find pure joy in buying groceries for his family, helping his mother cook dinner, or giving his nephews piggy back rides. He had never felt so much relief in a while.

But now as he stands in front of his door, relief turns to dread. He stares at it unblinkingly. He’s gone through that door hundreds of times, but now it seems practically impossible to open. His duffle bag hangs heavy in his hand while the house key dangles limply from the other. He’s suddenly scared of what he might find behind it. Does he have anyone to welcome him home? Is he even welcome at all? Can he still can it home? Daesung takes a ragged breath, clutching the key in his trembling hand. _This is your house too_ , he reminds himself. Nothing changes that. _Yet_.

As Daesung goes to turn the knob, the door suddenly opens, Jiyong rushing out and practically running over him. “Daesungie! I’m so sorry I didn’t see you there,” Jiyong says, helping Daesung pick up his dropped bag.

“Ah, hyung. It’s—it’s ok. It’s my fault, just standing here like an idiot,” Daesung laughs loudly. He winces at his own tone, rubbing the back of his neck. He’s caught unprepared; he has only been worried about talking to Seunghyun. He now realizes he should have considered the need to talk to Jiyong too.

“Here, let me help you,” Jiyong says, ushering him into the apartment. Daesung follows, steps unsure. Jiyong drops the bag in the living room, informing him that Seunghyun is showering and should be out any minute. He is going home for the night but should be stopping by again soon. As Jiyong prattles on, Daesung can’t help how his heart constricts in his chest. Why does he suddenly feel like he’s intruding on someone else’s life? Why does his home feel like a strange, unfamiliar land?

“Hyung…” Daesung whispers, pulling down the sleeves of his sweater.

Jiyong turns abruptly, encroaching into Daesung’s personal space and causing him to step back. He’s suddenly in Jiyong’s arms, a warm hug keeping him in place. “I heard your family is back. I’m so happy for you, Daesung. I hope they are all well,” Jiyong says sincerely.

“I-I—,” Daesung stutters, biting his lip. Jiyong softens, gently running his hands up and down Daesung’s arms. He steps back out, holding their hands together between them.

“Don’t worry, Daesungie. We can talk some other time. I’m sure you’re very tired. There is some soup in the fridge you can heat up, if you like,” Jiyong says squeezing their hands before stepping around him. Daesung stays rooted in place, a lump forming in his throat. He wraps his arms around himself, shivering. _Why am I here?_ he thinks.

“Oh, and Daesung?” Jiyong says from the entryway. Daesung turns around, quickly putting on a smile. Jiyong bows at a 90 degree angle towards him. “Thank you, Daesung, for taking such good care of our Seunghyun.” And then he’s out the door, closing it softly.

_Our Seunghyun._

After a few long seconds, Daesung collects himself. With a deep breath, he straightens his back and takes his bag into his, _their_ , bedroom. He can still hear the shower running when he enters, so he takes the opportunity to look around. The room looks the same, with the bed unmade and Seunghyun’s cups of water littering every spare surface he could find. Daesung sighs, smiling fondly. It used to drive him crazy, but now he realizes how much he’s missed Seunghyun’s little quirks—including being a bit of cup-klepto.

He sits on the bed, unsure of what to do. Does he unpack? Should he clean up or make the bed? Should he have some of the soup? He isn’t particularly hungry, and unpacking seems suddenly too intrusive, so he settles for cleaning up. Busying himself, he makes the bed, noting that it he can’t tell if Seunghyun has been using alone or not. Daesung shakes his head, frowning as he throws the covers over the pillows. He begins collecting the half empty glasses, pouring water into one and stacking the others. He’s so distracted that he doesn’t hear the bathroom door open softly and Seunghyun stepping out. Seunghyun stands silently, watching as Daesung carefully stacks the mismatched cups like a Jenga tower. He quirks his lips lightly when Daesung pouts in concentration. _He’s too cute_ , he thinks, his heart aching. It’s been too long since Seunghyun has seen Daesung in person, and he can feel his body moving towards him on its own. He reaches out for him, placing a cool hand on a strong, warm shoulder. Daesung yelps, dropping the glasses onto the ground, splashing water all over the carpeted floor.

“Oh God, Seunghyun! You scared me!” Daesung says, crouching immediately, picking up scattered glasses. “Aish, I’m sorry hyung. I’ll get some towels and dry this up.”

Seunghyun frowns as he watches Daesung scurry into the bathroom. “ _Hyung?_ Since when did you start calling me that again?” he mumbles, following Daesung into the bathroom.

Daesung’s ears redden, avoiding Seunghyun’s gaze. “Ah, just out of habit, I guess. I saw Jiyong-hyung and I just…”

_You just what?_ Daesung wonders to himself. Is he suddenly afraid to overstep any boundaries, old _or_ new?

Seunghyun places his hands on Daesung’s busy ones, steadying them, pulling them to sit over on the bed. Seunghyun turns his whole body towards Daesung, placing a hand on his worn out jeans. Seunghyun’s always loved those jeans. Even before they got together he could appreciate how sexy Daesung was in them. Daesung plays with the edges of his sweater sleeves picking on a loose thread until it begins to slowly unravel. He never looks up, even though he can feel Seunghyun’s intense gaze on him. The silence between them is palpable, the air heavy with so many things unsaid. There are so many questions he wants to ask, but Daesung bites his tongue. He’s scared; scared that if he asks questions and gets the answers he fears, then it’s really over. However if he stays silent, like Schrödinger's cat, his happiness will remain both dead and alive. Seunghyun watches Daesung, wordlessly trying to get him to open up. He rubs reassuring circles on his thighs, giving him time and space to get his thoughts together. But really, he’s just as nervous about having their talk. He wouldn’t even know where to start.

After what feels like hours, though Seunghyun is sure it’s only been a minute, Daesung clears his throat. “How’s….how’s Jiyong?” Daesung asks softly, never looking up from his hands.

“He was in a bit of shock, learning that he had turned into a pile of dust and come back to life inexplicably. But we talked for a long time and I think he’s good. He seems even better than before, actually,” Seunghyun says gently, smiling warmly. Daesung simply nods his head, biting his lip. Seunghyun places a hand on Daesung’s arm, hoping that he finds it comforting. “How’s your family?”

“Good—great. They are doing great. Also in shock, but in good spirits over all,” Daesung replies quickly, as if he wants to get these pleasantries out of the way.

They fall back into silence, neither sure how to segue their conversation. The more it drags on, the more Daesung worries his lip, and the walls around his heart slowly start to crumble. He feels like a damn about the burst. Clearing his throat once more, he turns towards Seunghyun slightly, hiding his eyes behind his long bangs.

“Jiyong said he was going home for the night. Has he been—does he normally go home every night?” he mumbles, his question barely above a whisper.

“He’s spent most nights here, but has gone home a couple of times,” Seunghyun says, slightly shrugging.

“So he’s—he’s coming back tomorrow?” Daesung swallows the lump in his throat.

“Maybe later. I think he might go visit his family and Youngbae,” Seunghyun says simply. Daesung nods again, but doesn’t say anything more. He completely unravels the thread on his sleeve, a small hole forming on the seam. He sniffs, wiping his nose with the now frayed edge. He continues to fidget for a few more seconds before he can't take it anymore. With a deep breath, he finally asks the question that’s been hanging over them.

“Will you—are you and Jiyong back together?”

Holding his breath, Daesung waits for Seunghyun’s response. But it never comes. The silence between them grows and builds, sucking the air from the room. As the seconds pass, Daesung’s vision begins to blur, tears threatening to spill. He unconsciously twists the ring on his finger.

“Daesung,” Seunghyun breathes, turning Daesung’s face towards him. Daesung follows, but still avoids his eyes. “Daesung-ah, look at me.” When Daesung shakes his head, Seunghyun takes a shaky breath. He shifts closer, framing Daesung’s face in his hands. He wipes away the stray tear that seems to have slipped past Daesung’s defenses. “Daesung-ah, _please look at me,"_ he pleads, his voice cracking.

“I—I can’t,” Daesung croaks, closing his eyes. _I’m afraid of what your eyes will tell me._ Daesung moves away from the bed, out of Seunghyun’s reach. Wrapping his arms around himself, he looks out the window, at Seoul’s vibrant lights. The skyline is brighter than it’s ever been in the last five years—a sign that the city is thriving again. Families reunited, friends gathering at bars, lovers enjoying a stroll down the street. The city breathes, vibrant and full of life.

And yet, Daesung feels empty.

“I want you to be happy Seunghyun, and if that means letting you go, then I will. I know that Jiyong is important to you. I know he was—was your _one_ ,” Daesung whispers, the words like knives on his tongue. “But I—" he straightens his back, fists clenched at his sides. “I want to be happy too. And for me, that’s being with _you._ ” The words bubble out before he can stop himself, the dam of his emotions breaking free. “I know I’m being selfish, I know it’s _wrong_ , wanting to keep you to myself, but I—I love you, and I’m _happy_ when I’m with you, Seunghyun,” Daesung says with conviction. He clenches his fists to his chest, trying to calm his wildly beating heart, trying to not completely fall apart. “Does that make me a bad person, wanting to keep you to myself? To keep you away from Jiyong? I know you were his first, and that if it weren’t for—if he hadn’t vanished, we wouldn’t even be together. Maybe you only fell in love with me because you didn’t have many other options. Maybe it was all circumstance, but the fact remains that I fell in love you,” Daesung says softly, almost to himself rather than to Seunghyun.

He wipes at the tears that have betrayed him. How ugly he must seem right now, Daesung thinks. Who in their right mind admits that the last five years have been anything but terrible? What kind of sick person would admit that the tragic loss of his own family and friends, of half the people in the world, had lead to some of the most joyful moments of his life? Heavy breathes and tremors wreck Daesung’s body as he comes to terms with his one truth: the purest contentment he has ever known is only a result of a terrible, horrible loss. And yet he can’t help himself. Daesung wants to be selfish for once. He wants to be happy too.

He finally looks towards Seunghyun, letting his guard down completely.

“I know you were his first, but how can I tell my heart to go back in time? How do I learn to unlove you, when I promised to love you forever?” Daesung asks quietly, clutching his wedding band over his heart.

Seunghyun, still on the bed, blinks back tears. He looks down at his hands as they clench the sheets underneath. He had fallen asleep in his bed holding onto Jiyong, but dreaming of a certain bright smile and warm laugh, only to wake up feeling more confused. He looks back at Daesung—gone is the bright smile that shines like the morning sun, the warm laugh replaced with only tears that fall freely, even somewhat beautifully. _I really am the fucking worst_ , Seunghyun thinks to himself.

“Daesung-ah,” Seunghyun says, barely above a whisper, as he finds the strength in his body to stand up and make his way over to Daesung. Daesung doesn’t move from his spot, only watching as Seunghyun’s shaking hands reach for his, unfurling his clenched fist. He kisses the palm of his hand reverently, tracing the life lines with his lips. He leans into the cool metal of the wedding band, kissing it softly before burying his face in Daesung’s strong hands. Seunghyun cannot bear to see the defeated look in Daesung’s eyes. His fear of never measuring up, the guilt he feels for finding love in a broken world, the shame of actually being happy. He has to look away, because he knows it’s his fault Daesung feels this way.

“Losing Jiyong five years ago was the most devastating moment of my life,” Seunghyun murmurs. “I never thought I’d find love again. I had resigned myself to a life of misery and regret. But you stayed by my side, and you showed me what it was to not only live again, but to love. You have made me so happy the last couple of years, Daesung. And for that I will always be indebted to you.”

Daesung trembles in Seunghyun’s grip. He notices how Seunghyun avoids eye contact and talks softly, as if he’s afraid of hurting him—of _breaking_ him. _This is it,_ he thinks—the thing he feared the most. Shaking his head, he pulls away. He can’t bear to hear what Seunghyun has to say. Seunghyun clings to Daesung’s hand, grabbing onto the other one desperately as Daesung begins to pull away from him. “No, wait—please, let me finish,” he pleads.

Daesung’s doesn’t stop, slipping out of Seunghyun's hold and practically sprinting out the room, picking up his fallen duffle bag on the way. Seunghyun turns to follow, but trips on the fallen glasses. _Stupid fucking cups!_ he curses, stumbling back to his feet and hoping he can reach Daesung in time. He catches up to him at the threshold between the living room and entryway. Lunging forward, he grips onto Daesung’s bicep. “ _Kang Daesung, listen to me!_ ” he begs, desperate to not let things end like this.

Daesung stills in his movements, the desperation in Seunghyun’s tone surprising him. He doesn’t turn around, though, too much of a coward to face him. With a shaky breath, Seunghyun leans his head against Daesung’s strong back—the back that carried him so many times to bed on the nights he was too drunk to walk on his own. The back he loved to hug at night and wake up next to. Even now, he relies on Daesung’s strong back to hold him up and give him strength.

“You told me to take this past week to think—to think about where we stand, what I want. And I admit, I wasn’t sure at first. But seeing Jiyong, being with him, brought me back to a happy time, before the _snap,_ ” Seunghyun swallows, closing his eyes. “I missed him so much, Daesung. And I just—being able to hold him and tell him all the things I never got to before, it was healing. It was freeing. And I realized that I—I will always love him. Nothing will ever change that.” Seunghyun lifts his head, feeling Daesung’s body shudders with silent sobs. He wraps his arms around Daesung, pulling him to his chest, holding him as close as he can.

“But I also realized that even if Jiyong is back, I’ve changed. Yes, I still love him, but I’m not the same person who I was five years ago. I’ve grown and changed, and my love for him has changed with time too. You asked me before, how do I tell my heart to go back in time? You can’t, and I _don’t want to_.”

Seunghyun is ashamed to say that he wasn't sure up until this point what he wanted, but he knows now as he wraps his arms around Daesung that _this—_ this is where he belongs. A miracle may have brought Jiyong and their loved ones back, but it didn't erase the last five years. How can Seunghyun just forget all that he and Daesung have gone through? How can he throw it all away when it’s shaped who he is today? No, Seunghyun thinks, you can't go back time. He can't trade what he has with Daesung _now_ for another chance at what he could have had with Jiyong _then_ _—_ not when he knows what it’s like being with Daesung. Seunghyun squeezes Daesung closer to himself, burying his face in Daesung’s neck, inhaling his warm scent that he’s missed _so fucking much._

“I love you, Daesung. I loved you the day you I woke up to find you next to me in the hospital bed, I loved you the day you threw away my last bottle of wine, I loved you when you held a vigil for all our vanished family and friends, I loved you when you accidentally spilled tea on one of my chairs, I loved you every time you left your LEGOs on the ground and I stepped on one, and I loved you on our wedding day.”

It wasn’t so long ago that they married—less than a year. It was a small ceremony at the courthouse with their small but tight-knit group of family and friends. He remembers he couldn’t stop crying, having teared up even before he had seen Daesung in his dashing suit. Just the _thought_ of saying ‘I Do’ and spending the rest of his life with Daesung had made him so emotional, that he had started crying days before. Daesung would tease him, saying “Don’t worry, I’ll be good to you,” or “I promise I’ll make it worth it,” or “It’s not too late to back out!” Seunghyun realizes now that Daesung wasn’t simply teasing him for being a crybaby. Daesung was telling him in his own way that he thought Seunghyun was settling. Without knowing it, Seunghyun had let their love grow in the shadow of his past relationship with Jiyong, and it had made Daesung feel like a second choice. When in reality, Seunghyun felt lucky that Daesung had chosen _him._

He didn't have a choice when Jiyong vanished, but he has a choice now. And he’ll be damned if he loses Daesung now.

“I love you, Kang Daesung, so don’t you dare stop loving me,” he says through tears. “You promised—you _vowed_ ’til death do us part’, and I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

Seunghyun feels Daesung inhale sharply, before he drops his bag with a loud thud turns in Seunghyun’s arms. He presses their lips together in a desperate kiss—all the longing and pain, the love he held onto so dearly for the past few days pours into it. Seunghyun cradles Daesung’s face in his hands, savoring every taste and every touch. He feels like a starved animal eating for the first time in days. Daesung pulls back, half crying and laughing, resting his forehead on Seunghyun’s.

“ _‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust—until death do us part’_ ,” Seunghyun mumbles, wiping away the remnants of Daesung’s tears. Daesung laughs, gracing Seunghyun with one of his brightest smiles he’s seen in days.

“That’s not how it goes,” Daesung chuckles, running his hands under Seunghyun’s t-shirt, feeling the warm skin he as craved the past week. “It’s _‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part_ ’.”

“Well if you _insist_ , I do,” Seunghyun replies with a dimpled smile, before capturing Daesung’s plumps lips in his. The ring on his hand suddenly doesn’t feel heavy anymore. If anything, it feels like it’s just a part of him.

  
  


_~fin_

**Author's Note:**

> One of my 2019 New Year's Resolutions was to write more and post at least one story. I still have some days left in the year, so this totally counts. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @sassy-dae


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